


When our stars align

by alimello



Category: Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: Angst, Destiny, Eventual Smut, F/M, Flashbacks, Fluff and Angst, Force Bond (Star Wars), Kylo Ren Has Issues, Kylo Ren Needs a Hug, POV Alternating, Post-Star Wars: The Last Jedi, Protective Kylo Ren, Redemption, Rey Needs A Hug, Slow Burn, Special guest: Ben Solo's old calligraphy set, Stubborn Rey (Star Wars), Young Ben Solo
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-04-27
Updated: 2018-07-05
Packaged: 2019-04-28 17:40:52
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 11,926
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14454420
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/alimello/pseuds/alimello
Summary: All she came back with were a pile of old books she couldn’t understand, a thousand unanswered questions and a dangerous connection with an enemy she could no longer see as one.She was as lost as he was. And to feel her confusion from a hopeless distance was torture. She was his greatest weakness, and he wondered if this would be his undoing.They were conflicted, unbalanced. But when the Force aligns their stars in the most unexpected of ways, time will tell they need each other to become what they're meant to be.





	1. Lost in the deep end

_ The desert wind cut through her legs and arms like knives while she pointlessly tried to reach for two faraway figures disappearing into the skyline. Her throat hurt but she kept screaming those two words, her only hope of trying to reach for something so desperately far when she was stuck in place with heavy hands gripping her arm and pinning her to the ground. She kept replaying the last words she heard: _

_“I’ll be back, sweetheart.”_

_She dropped to her feet, as she processed that broken promise, and fell on her knees to the ground, and then suddenly she wasn’t a child anymore. Although the wind of the desert cut through her skin the same way, the landscape had somewhat changed. But it wasn’t this or the second sun that now burned on her back that gave away this change of scenario. It was the voice. The promise her head kept replaying was now spoken with a painfully familiar voice._

 

\---

 

Rey woke up with drops of sweat rolling down her back and the taste of a dying scream stuck in her throat. Her whole body felt heavy with a vain memory of him, and she looked around frantically only to see it wasn't because of the bond. She hadn't left her guard down. It was just one more night with that old hellish nightmare, only this time it felt more real than it had felt in years and it was somewhat different, but she couldn't quite remember what made her feel that. 

The nightmares weren't a new thing in the last couple of weeks. They were only a part of the constant state of anxiety she now wore like a skin. 

She was restless, and yet with a sudden lack of purpose. Since the events on the Supremacy, her days felt like a void she could not fill neither escape. She was lost, unsteady, unbalanced. And it hurt to recognize she lacked a balance she came so close to conquer.

Rey blindly blamed Ben for that. How could he make the wrong choice when lives depended on it? How could he turn his back on the light when he came so close to it. When he had a chance to escape the darkness that had consumed his mind and his life for years.

But then, was it that easy to leave something that had been your life for so long? She spent 19 years waiting for faces she could barely remember anymore, for a voice that felt so distance in time and space she could no longer tell if it once sounded like that or if it was a creation of her desperate heart that longed for belonging. 

"Leave the past behind" he said. And she got what he meant with those words. Her brain flew back to a day which was not so distant, when she heard the words that first gave her purpose, but now felt like a knife cutting through her heart: 

"The belonging you seek is not behind you, is ahead". 

It hurt now because, for a moment she thought she had found this belonging in him. She thought back when she first heard those words, when she stared into Maz Kanata's eyes despite Han's advice not to. 

Han. His name felt like one more somber weight in her chest. How could he kill a father, something she spent her life longing for? She hated him for it, but she couldn't hate him. 

He was supposed to be her enemy, but when her thoughts went to him he was anything but that. He was understanding, recognition, comfort, and as absurd as it may sound, hope. This realization both exhilarated and disgusted her. How could she see such things in a man — no, a monster — that went against everything she stood for.

Or, at least, everything that the Resistance stood for. She wasn’t that sure of what she stood for nowadays. For her entire life her only purpose had been survival. That obviously changed to something bigger in the last months. But all her time helping the Resistance felt like a frenzy of powerful speeches that always mentioned her in a terrifyingly glorified way, but never included her completely. The halls of the improvised base they were occupying in the last few weeks were filled with stories of memories she did not share and grief for friends she did not know.

Even Finn, her dear friend, in fact her very first friend, had in a way moved on without her. And she was so happy for him. Rose could not be a better match for his curious and loyal spirit. But, when she saw his pure affection for his newfound company, even when they were still all cramped up at the Falcon, she couldn’t help but feel even more distant from the Resistance. 

They had moved on without her. Force, she had barely moved with them before she went to Ahch-To. She went to find answers to help her defeat an enemy. But all she came back with were a pile of old books she couldn’t understand, a thousand unanswered questions and a dangerous connection with an enemy she could no longer see as one.

When did he stop feeling like her enemy she could not tell. Maybe it was when he recognized he was a monster through their force bond. Or even right back when he took of his mask as if she wasn’t his rival and his prisoner. Or maybe it was when he said she wasn't alone, or when they touched hands and she saw his eyes filled with something unexpected, a spark she never thought would be possible to see in the man that called himself Kylo Ren: hope, understanding and something deeper, sweeter, she recognized in herself too.

She wouldn't dare give a name to it. It would be just one more reminder of how she was suddenly out of place in the Resistance. She was with them, but her heart was not. She betrayed them in her private thoughts, in the countless times she imagined what would happen if she had taken his hand and stood by his side in the darkness.

She would have. She almost did. Even when they were fighting for that saber she kept rethinking her decision. But it was too late. She had already seen the look in his eyes. The look of someone who had been betrayed. She spent her whole life feeling the sorrow of an abandonment, and yet, she abandoned the one who needed someone by his side the most. 

They shouldn't be on opposite sides. And yet, how could they be in the same side? He was Kylo Ren, a murderer, Supreme Leader of the First Order. She was Rey, the Last Jedi, the only hope of the Resistance.

The weight of the expectations that were deposited on her felt heavier than carrying her biggest scavenge through the scalding Jakku desert. She could not fulfill them. She was barely a Jedi apprentice. All Luke teached her was how wrong the Jedi were. A lesson that felt like an insult to her at first, but now, alone, with nothing but books filled with pointless convictions, sounded more and more like truth.

So many times she had replayed that same set of unanswered questions in her brain like a broken holovid and then suddenly stopped terrified when her eyes crossed a worried smile or a familiar nod. As if someone would be able to hear her thoughts and feel her fears and recognize her doubts. As if anyone would be able to do what he could. 

He could no longer do it though, she wouldn’t let him, she kept trying to convince herself. Sometimes she would feel a sudden jolt of anger ripping through her very soul. An energy she knew wasn’t coming from her, and quickly tried to suppress it. It was easy then, dismissing something so dark. 

Other times it wasn’t so easy. When the jolts that assaulted her were of pure hurt. She had to press her eyes closed and grip her teeth to make it go away before it became too much to bare. It was exhausting, keeping him away from her. Especially when all she felt from his side of this damned bond was a mirror of her own hurt and hopelessness. 

It took every ounce of strength she had to lock the bond and keep him away. Not only because of the Force, that seemed to have a mind of its own when it came to them, but because of how much she wished to stop fighting and dive into it. 

It was maddening to live with these absurd internal struggle while being constantly reminded of who she was fighting against.

She could no longer hear the name Kylo Ren without feeling an urge to look into those eyes. Those Ben Solo eyes that disclosed little, but said so much. 

She could no longer see the villain in him, and she wondered if this would mean her death someday.


	2. Just scattered pieces of who I am

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As I said in the last chapter, I needed to show how our space babies were feeling after the Supremacy to move forward with the story.  
> So, this chapter is dedicated to the Supreme Leader of our hearts.  
> Short but full of angst. Hop on board the Solo pain train!
> 
> This chapter's soundtrack is:  
> Pieces, by Red

The su _n felt like fire burning through his clothes. With each step, walking in the sandy landscape felt heavier and harder. He hated the desert, but his subconscious seemed to have a mind of his own because he kept walking for what felt like hours, until he finally reached his destination._ __  
  
A little girl dressed in simple white cloths sat with her head down in front of an old AT-AT, her hair in three buns. He felt a sudden urge to get closer, to hold her, until he heard a somber, dark voice calling for him.    
  
_The girl screamed for him. Screamed for someone. But his foot were set on a new path. The closer he got to its destination, the more distant were the screams. Until they were just whispers and quick sobs. Until it was no longer a girl he heard, but a woman. Until there was no desert. Until there was nothing. Until the darkness engulfed him._   
  
\---   
  
Kylo Ren woke up screaming and sitting so quickly his head felt dizzy for a few seconds. It was the nightmare again. He opened his palms to check the damage his nails had done, as if it was normal to wake up with red bloody marks everyday. Because it was. To him, at least.    
  
Pain was a constant in his life. He stopped fearing it a long time ago. As soon as he discovered pain could be a tool, a strength. He had confronted it, embraced it with a hollow numbness for longer than he can remember. Only now it wasn't so easy to dismiss it.    
  
For the last weeks, his days had been marked by pain. Not the physical one that burned his skin where his nails released unspoken anguishes and fears. It was a deeper, more permanent ache. It stained his heart. Carved his very soul with a hole shaped like the other soul he had found, but lost. Hers. Each minute alive in this new broken reality was a new reminder of what could have been, of the hand that didn't reach his.     
  
For so many years he believed pain made him stronger. Only this time it was different. This ache made him weaker, unsteady, unbalanced. It was pure torture.    
  
He lost count of how many times he was tortured. Yes, now that his brain is finally free of the dark claws that gripped it, he recognizes what it was. He knew now that physical torture was a much more bearable pain than the tortures of the mind. Nothing felt worse than feeling your mind invaded and having your most private thoughts turned against you.    
  
With this realization, he immediately felt bad for having performed the exact same torture in others. Well, in one person at least. Her. He would be an hypocrite if he said he didn't enjoy the extreme sense of power that came with invading someone's mind. But he didn't feel that when he did the same thing on her, in that cell. He was hypnotized by her fierceness, her strength, and felt suddenly incapable of doing her any harm.    
  
She was nothing like him. She was light, he was darkness. She was the symbol of the Resistance, he was the Supreme Leader of the First Order. She was the last jedi, he was a jedi killer.    
  
Yet, when he entered her mind, in the first time they connected, he saw nothing but a mirror of his own conflict. Loneliness, insecurity, abandonment, a desperate thirst for belonging. She had so much light, but he could see the darkness in her too. It gave him something he never thought would have: hope.    
  
From this moment on, he knew there was no other possible future written for him. It took a while to understand what that truly meant, to see the path he had to take. It was only when she came to him, that he made his resolve.    
  
When he saw her eyes in that elevator, so fierce and full of blind hope and belief in him, despite all of his darkness and the shackles in her wrists. It was then that he knew he would do anything to keep her on his side, to protect her. Even killing his own master. The one that clouded his thoughts and guided his choices for so long.    
  
And he didn't regret it. In that moment, all he felt was relief. Relief and the strength of recovering the power to guide his own destiny. His legacy. With Rey by his side. But then this new future was torn apart. She had betrayed him.    
  
But he couldn't face her like he did other countless traitors. Tortured, exterminated with whisks of fingers and plasma blades. The last time they faced each other all he could do was look at her with desperate pleading eyes.    
  
His anger, his rage, his hate, completely lost, forgotten at the simple chance of looking one more time to her hazel eyes. He would do anything to take that chance again. Maybe she would understand his motives. Maybe he would change her mind.    
  
But she was stubborn in her foolish resolve to keep their force bond shut. As if this would solve anything. As if covering it would erase what it felt like to be in complete sync, in balance. To breath in the same rhythm, to share the same string of thoughts and feelings just by the touch of a hand. To fight as one single minded army, without sharing a single word of strategy.    
  
He knew she felt it too. The irresistible, powerful feeling of sharing one soul and one mind. But she was blinded in her naive view of a world made of right or wrong, black or white. She was lying to herself, though. He could feel her resolve growing weaker and weaker. He would be hopeful, if it wasn't so excruciatingly painful to feel the waves of pain, loneliness and sadness that she sometimes unconsciously passed through the bond.    
  
She was as lost as he was. And to feel her confusion from a hopeless distance was torture.    
  
She was his greatest weakness, and he wondered if this would be his undoing. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> In our next chapter:
> 
> "The more Rey stared at the handwriting, the more she felt strangely connected to it. Like it was communicating with her. Like the Force itself was emanating through every single letter and she could hear its song. And she knew that melody all too well. She already knew who the notebook had belonged to when she reached the final page and the distinct initials from its owner: B. S."
> 
> Wait, WHAT? Stay tuned!


	3. Nothing's fair in love and war

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for the comments and kudos. <3
> 
> This chapter soundtrack is:  
> Love and War - Fleurie (which is a must-have for you Reylo playlist, by the way)

 

She left her shared quarters with a faint headache clouding her thoughts. The hint of another sleepless night. She went straight to the cafeteria, her head focused on what she knew best: survival. Food. Not that breakfast was only a matter of survival. It wasn't anymore.  

 

In the last few weeks living with the Resistance, Rey learned food could be fun. An escape from the constant talk of war and darkness, almost as effective as fixing things — her other favorite activity since joining the Resistance. Even with their scarce resources, the rations were far better then the little portions she had to make do with in her old life. In this new life, hunger was not a constant fear. Her scavengers instincts still had to learn that lesson, though.

 

“Kriff, Rey! That food isn't going anywhere.”, said Finn, jumping in his seat and looking like he was about to intervene the sloppy battle Rey was fighting with a particularly stubborn piece of food.

 

“Right.” Rey nodded distracted, laying the fork on the table, and looked at him and Rose, only to see them staring at her with amused expressions. It took her an embarrassing amount of seconds to realize they were laughing.

 

“Oh! It was a joke, right?” She instantly felt an embarrassing blush cover her ears. “Sorry, scavenger instincts.”

 

Rose gave her a sympathetic smile.

 

“We know. Finn shouldn't joke about this.” Said her new friend staring at him with a harsh look.

 

Finn went on defending himself to Rose, but Rey was already drifting inside her own head.

 

She kept trying to relive her last dream. It felt so real that she woke up feeling a part of her was still there, somewhere dusty and sandy in her subconscious. She had already left dreams with this same feeling. Dreams of battles in snowy landscapes, of hooded dark figures and blood, of the sounds of colorful plasma blades clashing into one another in a never ending dance. They had all lived beyond her subconscious and found her in real life. Except this dream wasn’t a new thing.

 

It was her old childhood nightmare, in a new clothing. _He_ was a never a part of it. Or was he? It had been so long since the last time it happened, but she was sure the original nightmare had a male voice. Only she never thought it could be from someone else, beside her parents. If it was a vision, in what kriffing reality would Kylo Ren abandon her in a desert. Why would they be together in the first place?

 

As if awaken by her own thoughts, she felt a jolt of anguished rage colliding with her like a wave washing from the back of her head to the tips of her fingers. A feeling she knew too well wasn't coming from her. She could not let it take over her.

 

In a second of panic, she grabbed the edge of the table with gritted teeth. A movement she soon realized, by her breakfast companions expressions, was clearly not normal for someone who wasn't constantly bothered by the feelings of a conflicted darksider.

 

“Rey? Are you alright?” - asked Rose with a worried look, while Finn just looked at the two of them with and amusingly startled expression.

 

Rey recomposed herself, despite the anger that was still boiling in her insides. She forced a smile and answered in what she hoped was a nonchalant tone.

 

“Yep, sorry,” she breathed, trying to stay calm. “I guess i just kind of drifted. I didn't sleep so well.”

 

By the look on her friends faces, she could tell they weren't so convinced. They knew something was up with her since she came back from her training and from the Supremacy. And it wasn't something she could hide.

 

Somewhere between the day she found herself bonded with the thoughts of an enemy and the  moment when she slammed a spaceship door in the face of a… friend, she had changed. She had a huge role she didn't know how to play, and the constant internal struggle to suppress the part of her that connected with Kylo Ren didn't help at all.

 

\---

 

In her own head, she refused to call him Ben now. She already saw him too much like her equal without the real name. In her dreams, her rules weren’t so strict. It made her even more afraid to go to sleep than the nightmares.

 

\---

 

In the first weeks of their reunion, Finn, who knew her best, sensed the change in her, and kept trying to press her into saying something. She almost did, several times. But then she would remember how he had years of his life stolen by the First Order. How could he understand the way she saw their leader? It made her feel even more apart from her friends from the Resistance.

 

Finn ended up attributing her quiet restlessness to her Jedi training. She didn't encourage his theory, but didn't deny it either. It was easier to dismiss something with an excuse no one was familiar with. But Rey wasn't the only one who was familiar with the ways of the Force. And she wasn't the only one who knew the man underneath the dark mask, either.

 

Leia saw something beyond what Rey had told her, more than she would like to. She wasn't really good on hiding things from the woman who, in a way, had become the closest thing she had to a mother.

 

Rey could still relive the conversation they had around a month ago, when they were still in the Falcon. It was extremely hard to avoid people when there were so many lives cramped up in a ship.  

 

\---

 

_It was an abnormally quiet night for a crowded spaceship. Rey walked the corridors dreading the inevitable moment when sleep would defeat her. Her feet led her to the drawer where she had kept the stolen Sacred Jedi Texts._

 

_She had already tried to read some of them. The first bulky book, a rather boring one, was a detailed guide to the path one had to take to become a Jedi. It was full of rules and do's and don'ts that made her feel very sympathetic towards Luke's resolve to end the religion. There was another one, in a language she was only partially familiar with, that explored everything related to the Force. She had already skimmed through it searching for some clue related to force bonds. Something that would help her shut it, without having to live in constant agony. Her search had no success yet._

 

_This time, she continued her exploration reaching for the thinnest book. Its cover didn’t give much away, only making it look more like a notebook than a real book. She opened it and understood why it felt that way. Different from the others, which had mostly texts, this one was full of drawings, scribbles and notes on its margins. Even the main writings seemed to be notes._

 

_It really was a notebook. It had everything, from plant drawings, to stories, to maps of distant planets. She even found several pages filled with nothing but several lightsaber forms and fighting sequences. Her eyes shone with excitement. This was much better than those old books filled with endless descriptions._

 

_The person who wrote this was extremely detailed and organized. Every single drawing had descriptions, and even the tiniest words that filled the margins were written in the most meticulous calligraphy. The more Rey stared at the handwriting, the more she felt strangely connected to it. Like it was communicating with her. Like the Force itself was emanating through every single letter and she could hear its song. And she knew that melody all too well._

 

_She already knew who the notebook had belonged to when she reached the final page and the distinct initials from its owner: B. S. Rey didn’t even had time to process the cold chill that ran through her body when she found it, because standing in front of her, was the mother of the padawan that once scribbled in those margins._

 

_Leia stared at her, looking amused at Rey’s terrified look._

 

_“I didn’t mean to scare you.”, she said sitting next to Rey._

 

_Rey stared back at her confused, her mouth slightly parted, still trying to process what she had just found._

 

_Leia pointed to the book in Rey’s hands and continued:_

 

_“So this is why you’ve been looking like you haven’t slept in weeks.” The General said examining the book. “No offense.” She added quickly._

 

_“I didn’t know it was from him.” Rey pleaded, sounding guilty._

 

_“Don’t worry, I know you got them from Luke’s old tree. Somebody should have them now anyway, and I don’t really want to inherit a bunch of old dusty books.”_

 

_“Oh!” Rey said, realizing she had only meant the books._

 

_But it was too late. The General’s eyes had already found the two letters that marked the page Rey left open._

 

_It was like a shadow passed in front of her eyes, making her look more old and more fragile than Rey had ever seen her. Seeing that side of Leia wasn’t so unusual in the last days, though._

 

_“I would recognize that handwriting anywhere.” She sighed, pensive._

 

_“You know, he always had a thing for calligraphy. Force! It’s been a while since I last thought about that. He used to carry a notebook around filled with drawings and notes of everything he saw. So different from Han, who was all about shooting and smuggling and glorious escapes.”_

 

_Rey pictured a kid with dark hair and pointy ears brooding and scribbling in a notebook in the corners of his home. The girl looked into Leia’s eyes and from that moment she understood, that, for his mother, no matter what he did, Kylo Ren would always be Ben Solo._

 

_Rey wished she could say she felt differently towards her enemy. But it would only be a lie. And right now any lie would be worthless when told by her eyes filled with tears._

 

_“Something happened between you two.” Leia examining the girl’s traitorous shining eyes with a piercing look._

 

_It wasn’t a question. It was a fact. And who was a former scavenger from Jakku to lie to the General of the Resistance?_

 

_“The Force connected us.” she blurted out, feeling the weight of that burden leave her chest for a second._

 

_“Connected...how?” Leia looked genuinely curious. But Rey was not sure of how much more she should reveal. To be honest, she didn’t really knew much about the connection._

 

_Rey trusted the General, but she wasn’t sure how Leia would react if she knew how deep their bond went. What would she do if she knew that, at any moment, Kylo Ren could appear in her consciousness and see what Rey was doing. He hadn’t be able to see her surroundings yet, but it was only a matter of time. Besides, there was a part of her that knew the bond came way before the first time their minds touched. What would Leia think if Rey told her she had already seen her son in visions years ago, when she was only a girl living in an old AT-AT. Not to mention, how would Leia react if she knew how Rey felt about him? Only the thought of it made her cheeks redden._

 

_“I… I’m not really sure how. All I can explain is that, while I was in Ahch-To, we talked and I felt his conflict. I thought I could turn him.” Rey said, struggling to fight the tears that were threatening to come back. “I was wrong.”_

 

_Leia looked at her intrigued._

 

_“You...How would Luke say it?” Leia thought for a second. “You feel compassion for him.”_

 

_Again, it wasn’t a question. It was an undeniable truth._

 

_“Ben saved my life.” Rey revealed, helpless. His mother had the right to know._

 

_“I don’t understand. How?” the General looked genuinely confused, but Rey couldn’t help but notice the spark of hope that lightened her eyes._

 

_“I came to him, to the Supremacy. That’s why I was there on the day of the Battle of Crait. He took me to see Snoke. I think… Kylo Ren believed Snoke could be my master too.” Rey struggled to remember everything that went down on the Throne Room. It was all so fast, and, since coming back to the Resistance, she tried her hardest not to think too much about it. ”But he was wrong. Snoke tortured me, stole what I knew from Luke, and then he told Ben to kill me. Said I was only a weakness, like… like Han was. For a moment I thought I would die. But Ben killed Snoke.”_

 

_Rey stopped, not sure if she should tell the last part. How would she describe the most amazing battle she had ever experienced, when they fought together against the Praetorian Guards. The closest thing she ever felt to balance. Should she tell the General of the Resistance their enemy asked her to rule the galaxy with him? She definitely shouldn’t add the fact that she almost took his offer._

 

_“I don’t understand. If he killed his Supreme Leader for you, didn’t he want to come with you?” Asked the mother who had never lost the hope of seeing her son return home._

 

_“We had different ideas of where our places should be.” Rey replied, dryly._

 

_“Oh…” The general said, suddenly looking like she was hearing the story again with different eyes._

 

_And for what felt like the hundredth time in that awkward conversation, Rey wished she was the one who wore a mask._

 

_But her embarrassment was interrupted by the familiar chill on her spine and a dark figure that suddenly materialized right after his mother. Her fight instincts soon took over her heart’s will and shut the bond as fast as she could. But it wasn’t fast enough to miss his broken eyes, staring at her as if she had once again refused his proposal._

 

_It was the last time she locked eyes with him._

 

\---

 

“Rey?” Finn was already up touching her arm. Rose by his side, right next to Poe, who seemed to have joined them at some point in the last seconds.

 

“R’iia’s shorts! You scared me, Finn!” Rey jumped out of her chair and her daydreaming.

 

“I hope you had enough caf to stay awake during our meeting with the General.” Joked Poe, with his irritatingly charming smile.

 

Damn, the meeting. She had completely forgot about it. While breakfast was her favorite part of this new life, strategy meetings were the thing she dreaded the most. It was hard to repress her thoughts about Kylo Ren, when he was a constant topic. And, when the meetings finished, it was very hard to escape from a private talk with Leia’s tired but very persuasive eyes.

 

The walk to the old strategy room was filled with a discussion of which ship would most likely win a race on Elbara Nine’s atmosphere. The Millenium Falcon, or Poe’s new fighter that was still in construction, and had become the pilot’s favorite subject in the past days. Rey couldn’t blame him. They were finally starting to get back on their feet, and anything was worth a celebration.

 

They arrived at the meeting, only to find Leia looking impossibly fragile while accommodating herself to a chair, and a visibly shaken Commander Larma D’Acy.

 

“Please join us.” Announced Leia, as graciously as ever, calling the group that was gathering by the door. Rey couldn’t help but notice her shaky hands.

 

“I’m happy to share very hopeful news with you.” She started, suddenly feeling a bit revigorated. “We now have the aid of a group of Resistance supporters from Coruscant.”

 

People gasped and the room suddenly filled with hugs and cheers. For a rebellion who, only months ago, was on the verge of extinction, with zero support, this was a really big deal. Since the Battle of Crait, the First Order had become somewhat quieter. The reports and stolen intel they gathered showed their focus was in different things, other than searching for the remains of the Resistance. They showed very little of the current plans of the Supreme Leader Kylo Ren. This quietness had encouraged some former  small supporters to come back to the Resistance side. This was how they got to the Elbara Nine Base, and were able to gather more troops and ships.

 

But this new ally came with the promise of even more growth. Everyone knew Coruscant had great influence over other planets. It was only a matter of time and diplomacy for the Resistance to get back on its feet again.

 

The rest of the meeting was filled with more info on their allies from Coruscant and some intel on the First Order’s whereabouts they had gathered during the last week.

 

But no intel or mention of the enemy was enough to darken the mood of the room. Rey saw the same easy smile in all of her friends faces. But when her eyes crossed Leia’s she saw the same unspoken feeling passing through them. Something between worry and uncertainty. They both knew the change in their enemies behaviour had to do with Ben. Why wasn’t he after them? Was it because of the same reason that made him save Rey? How long would his cruel order accept this?

 

Despite the quiet storm of worry that started revolting her insides, it was an unusually happy meeting. For the first time, Rey left it with a smile instead of a frown in her face.

 

The rest of the day seemed to go by in the same easygoing pace. The entire atmosphere in the base was pure light. For the first time, they had allowed themselves to feel hope again.

 

“This calls for a celebration!” Declared Poe, dropping his tools down. They had spent most of the afternoon repairing the old ships and control stations they had found in Glitterfall Base when they arrived in Elbara Nine.

 

It was always hard to say no to Poe. And this was not a day to deny celebrations. Besides, everyone was already starving. So, they followed Poe to the little bar where the pilot used to hang around every night.

 

Rey had barely sat in her stool when a tiny thin glass was deposited in front of her, filled with a pinkish red juice. She looked to her side, and saw Finn and Rose wearing the same quizzical faces staring at two identical tiny glasses.

 

“It won’t bite. Although it may burn a bit.”

 

Rey stared at it with suspicion. But grabbed the glass and turned it, in what she soon realized was a way too fast gulp.

 

“Gah!” Rey exclaimed spitting part of it in Poe’s face “What in the kriffing galaxy is this poison?”

 

“Hey! This is no poison. It wasn’t easy getting it here. It’s called Corellian Red.” Poe looked amused staring at his friends horrified faces. “Don’t worry, you’ll start liking it after a few more sips.”

 

Rey soon understood what he meant. And she understood why those Jakku merchants were so fond of their shiny bottles. The red beverage warmed her insides like her own private fire pit. Her head felt dizzy and her entire body felt light like a grain of sand. At first it was unnerving, feeling so shieldless and exposed.

 

But then she just let it take over her. For the first time in months she let her guard down and just allowed herself to concentrate on what was good in her life. She laughed and danced and joked around, forgetting for a moment of the lonely boy that drifted in a dark corner of the galaxy.

  
  
  
  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, we're starting to slowly dive in some plot. What do you think?  
> Let me know your thoughts!  
> Kudos, encouragements, critiques, complaints. Anything is welcome! :)


	4. In the night, you hear me calling

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry it took me so long to update! I had to change a few things in this chapter, and now I'm very happy about it. :) 
> 
> Soundtrack: Oblivion - M83 (feat. Susanne Sundfør)

 

 

It had finally been a good night of sleep. Even the throbbing ache in her forehead, undoubtedly a result of last night’s red liquid, wasn’t enough to disturb the warming feeling of a complete night of rest. No nightmares, no visions. Just sleep. Rey was so comfortable, lost in the warmth of those precious first seconds of the day, when you have your eyes still closed and only a vague idea of where you are and what day it is. So quiet and comfortable she was postponing the moment she would have to move away from the warm cocoon that was holding her in place in bed.

 

But wait. What was holding her? She finally opened her eyes in panic. Rey breathed, trying to process the situation. She was laying on her left side, her arms in front of her. She was glued to the bed with the weight of what was definitely hand. A man’s hand. She couldn’t remember how she got to this situation, but she didn’t have to turn to see who the hand belonged to.

 

The Force was already telling her, invading her senses and making her forget what was now clearly the beginning of a terrible headache. The silent humming that warmed her when she woke up, the song she was starting to miss that could only be described as balance. The melody that played when they breathed as one.

 

Rey put her brain to work trying not to wake up the man she was sharing a bed with. R’iia! How in the kriffing galaxy did that happen? It had been more than a month since the last time the Force had brought them together. How did they came out of nowhere from complete silence to waking up together?

 

But then, it made sense why this would happen on this night. And it was all that terrible liquid fire’s fault. After weeks of keeping her brain tightly shielded, she had let her guard down. Besides, nights were usually harder for her to concentrate on keeping the bond closed.

 

There was a reason why she woke up feeling so comfortable, so safe. After weeks of insomnia and nightmares, she finally had a good night, and it was all because of that stupid drink. Well, that and the arms that held her, a traitorous voice inside her pointed out. It scared her how even from opposite sides of the galaxy, he could have that effect on her.

 

As if awaken by the turmoil of anxious thoughts that was building within her, Rey felt the arm that held her move slowly, followed by a low growl, that could only mean someone else was waking up.

 

Rey could feel the exact moment he opened his eyes, and realized what was his current situation. Ben’s breath stopped abruptly and he froze panicked looking straight into a tangled mess of brown locks.

 

Rey felt a gentle nudge trying to get a reaction right on the barrier of her thoughts. He was trying to see if she was awake. She decided to send to his brain the same question that bothered hers.

 

“What are you doing in my bed?”

 

“I could ask you the same thing.” he said to the little part of her brain she left open to hear his answer.

 

“Is that where I am to you?”

 

“Yes. In my bed.”

 

Awkward silence filled the bond for a moment. They were still frozen in the same embrace. Too lost in their own silent agony to bother moving. Too safe in each other’s arms to have the courage to be the first to leave.

 

Ben was the first to break the silence.

 

“Why didn’t you stay with me?”

 

And with those words, something inside of her broke. Rey was not expecting that question from him. Not now. Out of all of the questions that were constantly haunting her brain, this was the one she dreaded the most, but still it came back to her every now and then draining her energy and fading her smile.

 

Why didn’t she stay? Loyalty to her friends? Duty? Fear? Or was it the fact that she just couldn’t bear witness to Ben Solo’s last step towards darkness. It was that and so much more. She had every reason to go, but even so, it took every ounce of strength she had left to not take his hand.

 

But she wasn’t the one who made the wrong choice that day, she reminded herself stubbornly, feeling a sudden and cruel wave of anger wash over her - except this time the sea was her own.

 

“I could ask you the same thing.” She retorted sounding angrier than she had meant to.

 

Ben let out a sarcastic snort and rolled to his back, leaving Rey feeling suddenly unbearably cold and empty. The tears she was fighting against finally won her internal battle.

 

The bond felt silent again, filled with nothing but the sounds of their breathings.

 

“Why are you shielding from the bond?” And for some reason, it seemed that this fact caused him even more pain than his first accusation.

 

“I.., I couldn’t.” How could she put such conflicted feelings into words? She wanted to say she shouldn’t keep sharing so much with her enemy. She wanted to say keeping the bond closed was the only thing keeping her from insanity. But those were only lies she told herself, because by keeping their minds and hearts apart, she only dived into a much worse kind on insanity. So she only gave him half of the truth.

 

“It just… It hurt too much.”

 

“It hurts even more without it.” He blurted out without even hesitating, ripping one more piece of her soul out.

 

Rey was sure she felt Ben hold back a tear that insisted on escaping his eyes.

 

The tears Rey was trying to hold were already forming a small pool in her pillow. She let one more drop fall and decided she couldn’t bear being so close without facing him.

 

For a moment she allowed herself to forget sides, forget history, forget orders and jedi and rebels. It was only Rey and Ben.

 

“Ben,” she called finally turning, but the bond had already faded.

 

And just like that, it was only Rey again.

 

And suddenly, out of all the words they exchanged, nothing hurt more than the fact that she spent all those minutes next to him and didn’t took the chance to turn and look one more time into his eyes.

 

\-------

 

Kylo felt her conflict, her anger, her pain. Felt how every accusation he said carved a deeper hole in her soul and brought more tears to her eyes. She could hurt and drown in regret, for all he cared. Or, at least, that’s what he told himself. She was the one who didn’t stay with him, who didn’t take his hand, who fought him after he killed his master for her.

 

He wanted to say he didn’t care for her pain. He wanted to hate her. Except he did care, and, no matter how hard he focused on the darkest, angriest corners of his soul, he just couldn’t hate her.

 

So he made her feel his anger, made her feel his pain, in a childish attempt to avenge how she made him feel after the Supremacy even. It didn’t give him any satisfaction, though. Usually revenge gave him strength and fulfillment. Right now it only heavied his soul with one more reason to hate himself.

 

So when he finally saw her again, in the unlikeliest situation possible, holding her in his arms in a way he only thought would be able to do in his wildest dreams, all he could do was break like a fragile boy. He would feel embarrassed if he wasn’t so overwhelmed by the conflicted feelings that made him want to pull her even closer to his arms and, at the same time, rip the bond apart like she did countless times to him.

 

And just like that, his bed was empty and the only sign that he had ever shared it with someone were his rumpled sheets and the throbbing heat under his pants that he desperately tried to conceal. Kylo wanted to curse the Force for connecting them, but he was really cursing it for its bad timing.

 

He sighed and rolled down his bed making his way to the refresher that was adjacent to his dark quarters. The room was one of the largest in Starkiller Base, but it was, without a doubt, one of the least decorated. Clinging into useless possessions was a weakness. This he knew since he was shipped off to train with his uncle. The few relics he had were stored in a drawer in his ship. A few trinkets he grabbed back when he left the Jedi Temple and joined the First Order.

 

The one thing Kylo never found in his escape, was his dear notebook he used to scribble on during the years he spent studying under Luke. It was a habit he kept from his early school years, and, now in the darkness of his lonely life of power, he found himself strangely missing it.

 

He let the cold drips of water wash away the anger and conflict that marked the first minutes of his morning and found himself going back to a time he didn’t relive in a long while.

 

\----

_It was early morning and Ben Solo had just left the other padawans in meditation. He had accidentally crashed the rock where Lian, the boy that lived across his hut, sat._

 

_It hadn’t really been an accident. His anger towards the padawan that constantly bullied him was turning into a dangerous turmoil for quite some time. Luke sensed it, of course he did. He couldn’t keep his nose out of people’s feelings. And Ben had too many of them, as he kept being reminded of._

 

_He strolled angrily kicking the loose rocks that obstructed the path to his quarters. Ben sat on the floor, with his hands pulling his untamed dark curls, and tried to silence his head. It was becoming harder and harder to push the voice away._

 

_The voice that told him unwanted truths. The voice that said his parents gave him away, the voice that told him everyone who loved him thought he was a monster. He did not like the voice at first. But it was good too, wasn't it?_

 

_The voice was with him when no one else was, always told him to trust his power. The voice showed him things he had no idea he could do. That’s why, when the voice told him to release his anger that morning, he did. It was exhilarating, feeling every inch of the crack in the stone resonating through his entire body._

 

_But then for a split second a part of him wished he could do the same thing with the boy who was in front of the stone. He flinched and ran away from the padawans, and the meditation and the voice. Back in the quiet of his hut, his breathing a bit easier, Ben opened the notebook. Now and then, he found himself leaving his usual notes and thoughts about the Force and the Jedi for one or two drawings. Today was one of these days._

 

_Before he could even process what his fingers were creating with ink and paper, he saw the girl.The lonely girl. It was the same girl, the same windy desert, which had, just last night, invaded his dreams again. Seeing it come to life in his notebook pages felt strangely comforting and right._

 

_He was finishing his drawings when Luke came by his door. Ben kept his eyes trained in the notebook, stubbornly refusing to look into his master’s eyes and admit his guilt._

 

_“You know, if your father was here, he would be proud of you for sticking up for yourself.” Ben looked at him confused, he certainly did not except this. Luke rarely talked to him as an uncle. In the temple, he was merely a padawan like anyone else._

 

_“I see how he treats you”, Luke explained sympathetically._

 

_Ben looked away, conflicted. He did not want to be pitied._

_But before he could respond, Luke had once again turned into the Jedi master._

 

_“But you used the Force for the wrong reasons. To follow this kind of motivation can lead to a dangerous dark path. You know that.”_

 

_Ben lifted his head and saw into Luke’s eyes. They were full of empathy and worry. The eyes of an uncle, not of a master._

 

_Ben gave him a half reassuring smile and nodded, as Luke left._

 

\---

 

Kylo shook his head freeing himself from the memory. It was a good one from his time as a padawan, and for the past years he avoided going back to it, focused on his path to continue his grandfather’s legacy. He spent so much time thinking about avenging Luke Skywalker that he forgot his uncle’s other side. Now, when he thought about him, he felt no rage or anger or hate. All he felt was grief and sadness.

 

\-----

 

The afternoon’s meeting had been happening for only a few minutes but it felt like Hux was talking for at least two hours. Kylo’s mind drifted apart from the holo’s image, which showed the Order’s plans for rebuilding the Supremacy, and back to his memories from the morning’s events.

 

Somewhere between the surreal sensations of waking up with Rey in his arms, and reliving a delicate moment from his time as a padawan, his usual subtle nudge from the light had turned into an aggressive pull. Like a giant claw that holded his heart in a gentle warm embrace. Under the claw, his usual wild rage burned with the pain of being torn apart he knew so well.

 

He had to learn to contain this conflict if he was willing to move forward with his plan of reuniting the Knights of Ren. It was an idea that he had been building in his head for the past month. He needed something to do, besides filling up paperwork and having boring meetings with Hux and pretentious diplomats. He needed to get on board his ship and blow things up without having to play the role of the Supreme Leader.

 

And he needed a purpose that would drive the Order away from the Resistance. They were weak and shattered, a group so small that could fit in the piece of junk that used to be his father’s ship. In this condition, they weren’t really a threat to them. This gave him a sense of relief. The Order didn’t have to spend resources searching an already defeated rebel group. But more importantly, he didn’t have to face certain members of said group that he couldn’t consider as enemies.

 

Suddenly, to his horror, Kylo Ren realized the Resistance, which had gotten mildly forgotten for the past weeks around the Base, was the subject of the meeting.

 

“We have received a precious piece of information regarding the Resistance whereabouts,” announced General Hux. “I’m afraid it is rather alarming.”

 

“What is it, General?” Said Kylo gritting his teeth.

 

“It seems the band of rebels has found a few important allies. Our source in Coruscant has gathered a few suspicious conversations in the city regarding that particular matter.”

 

“Suspicious conversations?” Kylo spitted out. “You interrupt our meeting with information you’re not even entirely sure of? The Resistance can barely stand on its feet. They have no weapons, no ships except for that filthy piece of junk, no base.”

 

“That we know of.” Interrupted Hux, slightly flinching while seeing Kylo’s fingers were starting to move dangerously closer to that one movement he knew so well.

 

“They pose no threat for us as of now. Let them think they stand a chance, let them build their delusional hope. When the time comes, we will crush them.”

 

“But, sir…” The General insisted cautiously. “ What about the girl, she ki...guhlrrr”

 

 

Without even thinking, Kylo was standing on his feet, his hand clenched so tightly his fingers were starting to get numb. For a second all he wanted was to see the life vanish from General Hux face. He was moved by the usual anger, but mostly, by fear. Kylo knew from the moment he told Rey was the one who had killed Snoke, he had put her in a dangerous position. And although Hux was extremely annoying, he was neither blind nor stupid. And the General had the support of most of the First Order. Kylo was only respected by fear.

 

“I will destroy her when the moment comes.” He spoke through gritted teeth, slowly softening his grip on the General’s throat until his feet found the floor again.

 

“For now, we must strengthen our position throughout the galaxy. And when the time comes, we will be stronger than they’ve ever wished to be.”

 

Kylo continued, already leaving the conference table.

 

“Prepare my ship! The time has come for me to gather my knights.”

 

“Yes, Supreme Leader.” General Hux answered seriously, but the look of disdain that bordered his crooked smile said otherwise.

  
  
  
  
  
  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Your comment/kudos fuels my creativity. Just saying, y'all. ;)
> 
> Find me on Tumblr: heyitsmefangirling :)


	5. Reaching for you from the endless dream

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know! I suck at updates.  
> But I promise I'm going somewhere with this story and I know where that somewhere is! lol  
> Without further ado...
> 
> Chapter track: Here with me - Susie Suh

Living in a planet which was always covered in snow had seemed like an amazing thing at first. When she first saw the white landscapes at Starkiller base, Rey didn’t have the chance to fully appreciate it, too focused on her survival and on keeping her new friends alive. When the Resistance arrived at their new base, though, the girl had time to be in awe. She marvelled each time it fell from the sky, as if it was the Force itself that was making the snowflakes dance above her. She ran feeling the floor give in below her, as the white tiny ice flakes that formed snow melted and rearranged under her feet. She even gave a few tries to what some members of the rebel group called skating, which was basically gliding on thin ice without breaking it or falling down. Little did the people who had called her a natural skater know that she had to use the Force a few times to avoid dropping on the floor and breaking a few limbs. Being sensitive had its advantages for fun too. 

  


Now the newness had passed, and living in snowy Elbara Nine was beginning to feel like a very annoying predicament. Rey sat in her bed looking through the window to the icy landscapes of the planet, almost longing for the sun and warmth of Jakku. She missed being able to sit outside and breathe natural air without losing sensitivity in the tips of her ears and fingers. Right now, with the amount of feelings and worries that were disturbing her, she was particularly in need of a moment alone with only the thoughts in her head and the sun in her face. 

  


She would have to make do with the conditioned air of Glitterfall base and the sheets of her bed. Luckily, Rose, her roommate, would be working late and she had time to think. She had a big road in front of her, and not a clue if she was ready to take that leap. But the more she replayed the conversation she had had in the afternoon the more she felt like she had no choice at all. 

  


\----

  


_ She was taking a nap in the supply closet when Poe had found her. She would never admit that to one living soul, but the truth is he caught her in the middle of a very much intentional nap in the middle of her shift doing maintenance in the X-Wings. It's not like she has the restricted schedule of shifts and trainings of a soldier, her role in the Resistance being pretty loose and disconcertingly confusing. But her instincts to use the good hours of daylight to work for her survival is bigger than all of this, and does not comply with naps in the middle of the afternoon.  _

  


_ After waking up next to Ben she couldn't help but feel sketchy and agitated when bedtime came in the following days. The prospect of losing control in her sleep and opening the bond for him in the middle of the night left her on edge. It was terrifying, because she was not ready for it to happen again, but mostly, because she wanted it to happen again. _

  


_ The insomnia from the night before had been particularly annoying, and when the screw in her hand fell helplessly to the floor which was several feet below her, Rey had no choice but to resort to taking a shameful nap. Poe did not seem bothered by it, though. In fact, his unusually stern look was so filled with worry that, thinking in retrospect, she would guess he never even noticed she was sleeping.  _

  


_ "The General asked me to take you to her office." He said, his look circling her surroundings with a confused frown.  _

_ "Sure!" Rey lifted from the floor, pretending nothing unusual had happened.  _

  


_ "So, how are my babies?" Poe inquired as they entered the hallway, and she was thankful for the small talk.  _

  


_ "Doing great. I'm still having a bit of a problem with the hyperdrive in the older models. But I think I found a safe way to solve it without replacing parts"  _

  


_ "That's great news! I'm looking forward to piloting something that doesn't look like a piece of junk once we get more investment from Coruscant, though" he declared.  _

  


_ Rey couldn't help but feel offended. She understood the technical advantages of piloting a new ship, but she couldn't help but feel as it would be a treason to her scavenger instincts. Also, in the last months, she got extremely attached to a certain piece of mechanical junk. _

  


_ "Rey!" Leia said with a warm smile, though her crinkled eyes had the usual hint of sadness that followed her these days. "Please, sit."  _

  


_ "You can leave, Poe. Thank you" she continued, and the captain made his way back to the room.  _

  


_ "How are you feeling?" The General broke the silence once Poe closed the door, her brows forming a concerned frown. _

  


_ It was a simple, rather common sentence. One that Rey had been asked quite a lot since moving to the base. But something in the way Leia posed the question gave it a new layer of meaning. One that made her feel safe enough to break.  _

  


_ Because the truth is that she was feeling like a malfunctioning piece that didn't quite fit its ship. Like a glitch in a navigating system.  _

  


_ "Honestly, confused," the girl answered, not quite being able to meet Leia's piercing eye, "helpless", she added, shrugging.  _

  


_ Leia inhaled. "I sense your insecurity. Your helplessness." She said, reminding Rey that she was the sister of Luke Skywalker, after all. The General's silent but constant force signature hummed comfortingly around her. "It's ok." _

  


_ Rey exhaled, finally looking at Leia. She thought of the intimidating strategy meetings, of the broken blue kyber crystal, of the pointless Jedi books, of the initials in the one single book she found useful, of Ben Solo's tears in her pillow. _

  


_ "I don't think I can be who the Resistance needs me to be." She finally said.  _

  


_ "You are you, and that is enough." Leia reassured her. "Yes, we need your force abilities, but more than that: we need your pure heart, your wit, your resilience, your stubbornness - It can be extremely useful in the middle of a war. I should know better than anyone." She smiled and the girl couldn't help but chuckle.  _

  


_ "Rey, I called you here because I believe you have an important path ahead of you. A path that could really help change how things in the galaxy are right now, as I'm sure you're aware of. But I think you should only take it if you feel you're ready.” _

  


_ "I know that," Rey sighed, "I just don't know where to start." _

  


_ "I think you should start by realizing that you're not alone."  _

  


_ Rey gulped, her mind immediately taking her to the last time someone told her she was not alone. She shifted in her seat, and Leia stared at her with a slightly suspicious look, that was quickly disguised.  _

  


_ The General continued: "You're not the only person in the Galaxy who is force sensitive. And you're not the only one feeling lost about it." _

  


_ "Oh..." Rey froze for a second, the gears in her brain working. "I know it may sound stupid but I haven't actually realized that. I mean, of course I'm not the only one. I just never thought I could help them in any way." _

  


_ "You're not stupid. You just have way too much on your plate." Rey couldn't help but think about the irony on that. She never really thought having a full plate would be a problem.  _

  


_ The General didn’t seem to notice the irony in her words, for she continued: “I know is not that much better now, but imagine how lost you felt the first time you felt the Force manifesting within you. You had help, you had people around you. But think how many boys and girls go through it without anyone.” _

  


_ She didn’t have to imagine to know what Leia meant. Rey was one of those boys and girls. Without a father, without a mother, a slave to a hopeless loneliness. It could make you desperate enough to make the wrong choices. The girl who had once thought she would spend the rest of her life as a scavenger still remembered a few delirious days of dehydration and hunger, when selling her body, like the men that lingered in the corners of Niima Outpost suggested, didn’t seem like such a bad option. She couldn’t even begin to imagine where she would be now if she had went through with one of those desperate thoughts. Rey shaked, clearing her head, snapping out of the nightmare. She was fine, she was here now. But there were so many people who weren’t.  _

  


_ “You think I could be that person to them?” Rey looked at Leia’s motherly eyes, a bit skeptical. _

  


_ “I know you could”, Leia held her gaze with a certainty that disarmed her. _

  


_ “But I barely began to study the Jedi books”, the girl worried, “Force! I haven’t even completely understood what I did read...”  _

  


_ “Forget that pile of old books” Leia scoffed playfully at the appalled look on Rey’s face, “I hope my brother is not listening to this, but that’s what they are: just old books. I’m not saying become a Jedi Master. I’m saying help them. In any way you can. Help them use the Force for good, before they use it for the wrong reasons. I would do anything to help my son before he was pulled to the dark.” Leia finished in a somber note, her upper lip trembling. _

  


_ Rey’s heart shattered as, before her eyes, she caught a glimpse of a dark haired boy in his bedroom, his fisted hands covering his ears, his mother touching his arms soothingly, a helpless look in her face while a dozen toys hanged around the room in the air.  _

  


_ But Leia had not finished her message. "Rey, the reason I'm saying this is that I won't be here for much longer." _

  


_ Rey froze, and her mind immediately flew back to Ben. There was still a part of her that believed he could come home. Still a part of her that believed she would see the reunion of a mother with a son she thought was long lost.  _

  


_ “Wha...what do you mean?” Rey felt on the verge of tears.  _

  


_ “I haven’t been well in a long time,” said Leia, “leading a rebellion is not as easy as it was before, and I thought it was simply because I was old. It’s not. It turns out my body doesn’t have much time. To be honest, I don’t think my mind would have kept up for much longer anyway”, Leia shrugged, and Rey saw the years of battles and politics and dreams in the older woman’s tired eyes.  _

  


_ “I’ll miss you,” was all Rey could blurt out, lost in the magnitude of that moment. _

  


_ Leia smiled. “I heard there’s a thing called Force ghosts. I’ll be keeping an eye out for you.” Rey chuckled marvelling at how the woman could keep her humour even under sad circumstances.  _

  


_ “I’ll do it,” she declared. “I’ll go after more Force sensitives.” _

  


_ “I’m glad”, Leia opened her smile, “as the General, I must tell you we are in dire need of more people like you. And less vulnerable people to fall in the hands of the First Order.” _

  


_ Rey nodded. She was aware this was also a mission. _

  


_ “But as a mother, I’m glad you’ll be trying to change these people’s futures.” _

  


_ “I am too”, Rey understood what she meant, thinking once again about that darked haired boy.  _

  


_ \----- _

  


Lost in her memory, and in the tears that now fell freely from her eyes, she only felt his presence when a hesitant hand lightly touched her forearm, sending shivers down her spine. 

  


Rey gasped at the unexpected contact, meeting Ben’s questioning eyes. They stood like this for a few seconds, frozen in each other’s gaze. As if moving a single muscle would shatter the connection and break the moment. One small truce from their constant war of hearts. But like everything else in their lives, that moment of harmony had to come to an end, and before it snapped, his fingers left her cold arm and found the edge of the bed, mirroring her own position, although he probably didn’t see the same view that filled Rey’s eyes. 

  


“Are you alright?” He asked, breaking the silence. 

  


Rey shrugged, wiping her tears with the back of her hands, not willing to share her mission and not ready to let Ben know his mother was about to die. She decided to give a half truth, instead: “I have a lot on my mind.”

  


Ben didn’t seem to know how to respond to that, but, apparently her half answer was enough for now, for he remained quiet by her side. She could feel his eyes studying her, while she stubbornly fixed her eyes at the snowy landscape in front of her. Rey tried to continue with her line of thought, but it was impossible to focus with his breathing so close to her, his gaze fixed on her, his hesitant force signature dancing around hers. It was then she gave up trying to ignore him, and the first conversation topic that came to her mind was not exactly ideal, but it was either that or “your mother is dying”, so she didn’t have much choice. 

  


“I am sorry for the other day…” Ben looked at her quizzically, “when you were waking up.”

  


“Oh.” was all he could manage, the memory staining his cheeks in a light pink tone. “It’s alright.”

  


“I blame the Corellian Red,” she blurted out, breaking the tension. Ben raised his eyebrows and looked at her with a smirk. “I had never had one, and I think I went too far for a first time.”

  


“Not a big fan of Red. I am more of a Corellian Whiskey kind of guy.” He answered. 

  


It was Rey’s time to smirk staring at him, raising her eyebrows questioningly. 

  


“I don’t think I am a fan of alcohol at all.” she said. “I mean, while I was drinking, it was fine, but the day after… not so great.”

  


“Hangover?” he winced at her sympathetically, and she nodded. 

  


Rey couldn’t help but appreciate his light mood. His jaw for once was not set tight and ready to snap at anything or anyone, the corner of his lips forming the beginning of a smile. She noticed his clothing was also matching the mood. Ben wasn’t wearing the usual cape and gloves, just a light sweater. Black, as usual, obviously. She liked this guy. The one with the smirks and the surprising alcoholic preferences. The one that was more Ben Solo than Kylo Ren. 

  


Rey answered his half smile with one of her own. “To be honest, I don’t think I like alcohol at all. Not even during the drinking,” she continued with their bar talk. “I don’t really like the feeling of not being able to control myself.” Ben’s short loud laughter filled the room, making her jump.

  


“Of course you don’t!” He declared, throwing his head back.

  


“What do you mean?” she stared at him, inquisitively. 

  


“You like to be in control.” He said without hesitation, the damn smirk in his eyes. 

  


“No, I don’t!” avoiding his smug look, exasperated. “I just don’t like the sensation that damn red liquid gives. I completely lost the power over my body. Hence, the bond opening while I was sleeping.”

  


“Well, I, for one, am thankful for Corellian Red.” Rey looked at him confused. “I liked seeing you again after a while.” Ben finished in a softer tone.

  


She barely talked to him, trying to shut him off completely after months of blocking the bond, and the first thing he said about “the incident” was that. Rey gulped, not really sure how to respond to that.

  


“I liked seeing you too”, she confessed. “I’m sorry for shutting you out. I… I thought it would be easier. If we could just ignore each other. We’re in opposite sides of this war.”

  


“It didn’t have to be this way! It was your choice.” Ben snapped at her, letting his Kylo Ren side speak louder. 

  


“You gave me NO choice.” Rey shouted back, looking at him defiantly.

  


“What I was trying to say was I was wrong about keeping the bond closed,” she said, not giving him the chance to continue with his bickering. “I like speaking to you. You make me feel like I’m not alone.” Rey suddenly felt bad for confessing her loneliness. She had never been more surrounded by people she loved in her life. 

  


“It’s the same when you’re surrounded by people you hate.” Ben interrupted her thought, clearly having felt her inner conflict. 

  


She had to fight the urge to snap at him and say he didn’t have to be with people he hated. It was his choice. But she knew it wasn’t that simple, and she had had enough fight for the day.

  


“You’re not alone.” Said Ben once again, looking at her with caring eyes. Although it wasn’t the first time she heard it coming from him, it gained a new meaning in her heart, somehow. Like a promise. She believed in him. She wasn’t alone. 

  


He lifted a hand and caressed a lock of hair that had fell from her half ponytail, his eyes looking straight into hers, impossibly close. Rey felt the warm breath coming from him as if they really were in the same room. She considered how it would feel like, to touch his full lips with her own. A brief image of his hand pulling her closer grabbing a feast of her hair flashed in front of her eyes, and she wasn’t sure who conjured it. 

  


He released a shaky breath and pulled her to him. His hand in the back of her head. But it wasn’t rough and desperate like their unspoken desire for each other, it was maddeningly slow, like he was savouring each millisecond of their closeness.

  


Their lips touched and Rey was shocked once again by the intensity of their sintony. Any touch, any movement, shaked her core like the strongest storm. Ben fisted her hair a bit tighter and opened his mouth slightly as an invitation. Their tongues found each other, and what Rey had always thought was a bit odd and disgusting revealed itself to be breathtaking. She left out an incomprehensible content sound and felt the corners of his mouth move up in pride and disbelief.

  


Bu then it became too much and they had to part and breathe for a second. He looked at her with a renewed devotion, and Rey suddenly felt a bit self conscious. She needed to fill the silence. 

  


  * I… - she started, when...



  


The stormy hum of his force signature left the room, and she was left staring at nothing, with only the scent of his cologne in the air and the feel of his lips in her skin. 

  
  


  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Don't blame me, blame the Force!


End file.
